“Wow, you’re really confident.” People tell me I act with confidence but that never feels true. I don’t feel confident, but somehow I look confident from the outside. Inside, I grapple with imposter syndrome and a lot of social anxiety.
Once upon a time, I decided to take the meaning of a common phrase associated with the American Dream to heart: Fake it until you make it. As it turns out, the saying has grounds in social psychological terms. Believing in something is not always necessary for action. In fact, one can develop belief through their actions and later behave based on those reinforced beliefs. Confidence is an excellent example of how action can turn into belief.
For me, confidence was like an armour against bullying. It became my shield in high school, creating a barrier to block mean and biting comments. I never quite fit into mainstream norms, so I stuck out and that tends to attract unwanted, negative attention. However, confidence repels unwanted attention. And as a consequence of wielding confidence in defence, I grew comfortable with the idea of confidence and I started to embody the confidence I displayed.
Over time, faked confidence can become real confidence, very real belief in yourself and your capabilities. Just like using the slang term “yeet” ironically, because I used it so much it became a part of my everyday speech. Now, I use “yeet” un-ironically by habit, much like how I wear my confidence out of habit.
The appearance of confidence, however, does not make one invulnerable to feeling like an imposter. Even the most self-confident person will doubt. Doubt can be insidious. It can destabilize one’s confidence so terribly that it crumbles. I speak from experience. Entering my undergraduate degree, all of the confidence I had built up during high school could not prepare me for Canadian university-level expectations. A bad midterm and missed classes caused doubt, which undermined the confidence I had in myself, and I felt like an imposter who never deserved to be at university in the first place. This was, of course, objectively wrong since the university granted me admission, meaning I did indeed deserve my place in the school. Nevertheless, it didn’t feel that way.
So, I started to fake confidence in myself again. Although I felt out of place and undeserving, I continued pursuing my degree, going to class, and doing assignments. Y’know, student stuff as if I belonged there. The change happened gradually as I reconfirmed my abilities. With every returned grade, I was shown proof that I truly was a student and belonged at the university. I earned my spot to learn, and learn I did. By the time I reached my final year of undergraduate, I was confidently breezing through campus on a scooter, teaching classes of 80+ students, and running charitable fundraisers on campus. No longer an imposter, I felt like a bad-ass academic ready to tackle the world.
And then I got to grad school, and my confidence nosedived. The moment I set foot on Memorial’s campus, that sinking imposter feeling came back in force. But in graduate school and the upper levels of academia, imposter syndrome is shockingly normal.
Talking to my supervisor about it, she told me about her father’s struggle with imposter syndrome. Tenured, retired, and one of the leading scholars in his field, there is no logical reason for him to feel like an imposter. Nevertheless, my supervisor revealed that her father, even while retired, still fears that he is an imposter, that all of his research is unfounded, that his degrees are somehow forfeit, and that he doesn’t deserve the praise awarded to him over the years. Imposter syndrome comes from the high expectations placed on us by society, the expectations we build for ourselves, and our perceived inability to meet those expectations regardless of extraneous factors. No matter how accomplished one is, they can still feel like an imposter.
That begs the question: how do you tackle imposter syndrome and build up your academic confidence? First, the best way to deal with imposter syndrome is to talk about it. By talking about it, you will discover how many people struggle with feeling like an imposter even when they are objectively an expert in the field. Beyond that, my fellow blogger writes to the topic of imposter syndrome, discussing how she mitigates its interference in her life with the phrase “You belong here”: https://wp.mun.ca/studentblog/you-belong-here/
I recommend exploring your idea of what it looks like, and what it feels like to be confident. How do you stand confident? Where does your confidence come from? What fuels your confidence? In order to fake it, you need to know a lot about it. Practice portraying your confidence, and as you practice you will get better at faking it. Build confidence in your ability to fake being confident, and I’m certain you will find your path to embodying that confidence.
My technique for building confidence is exactly how I’ve been able to reign in my crippling imposter syndrome: Fake it until you make it. And I faked my belonging in this institution until it felt real to me. With time, I was able to rebuild my confidence in myself, in my research, and in my writing. That confidence helps to stave off imposter syndrome, but it always threatens to encroach on my progress. I take solace in the fact that it is probably better to falsely assume myself an imposter rather than falsely presume my expertise.
Confidence and feelings of belonging are a process to develop and maintain – they do not appear overnight, but take consistent effort. You can do it, and I believe in you.
Cheers,
Shannon