My comprehensive exams are next week. This cartoon just about sums up where I am right now. For the past 6 months I have been reading and reading and reading and doing some writing about what I have read. It is very singularly focused on two topics, so at this point, all I think about is criminology and gender (and often, how the two combine.) There have been times of pure joy. When else do you get to just read all the stuff that interests you? There is so much knowledge out there and there is so much potential for research and I can be a part of that! There are times when you feel super engaged and you are making brilliant arguments and critiques about all this stuff you are reading. That’s the little “creative neuron” in the cartoon brain.
And then there are moments of pure despair. Those are times when you think there is too much to know and I will never get this figured out, and I have nothing to contribute, it’s all been done by people much smarter than me. Yes, that was a run on sentence, because that is how it all feels in my brain, like a long, run on sentence of self doubt. That is when those two huge lobes kick in; procrastination and creative avoidance. “The fridge needs to be cleaned right now!” “Oh this book seems related to my research, maybe I’ll just have a look at that (and by book I mean Facebook, and by related to my research I mean, it is about people, and I study people.)” I also obsess about food, what to eat, when I’m going to eat next, and where I will get more food. All of these thoughts add to the guilt of not being engaged in the work that I should be doing. But somehow, all of this guilt eventually leads me back to my work, where I realize, this is great! I love reading all this cool theory. This is my area of interest and I do have cool and interesting stuff to say about it.
So as I sit and write this, I do realize that this is a process and each part of the process is important. Procrastination (within limits!) adds to the guilt needed to give myself a kick in the butt to get my work done. And when I do the work, I realize how great this really is. It is a privilege to be able to take time to read, absorb and write all about the stuff I’m interested in. So better get back at it. This is a short piece, but I have comps!
Until next time…